The Dreading of March
Willow is 8 weeks old today and I have spent those 8 weeks falling more and more in love with her with each passing day. I have mostly felt very happy and well since she arrived and have adjusted to life with three young children, much better than I expected. However, as we have entered the month of March I have found it difficult to deter my thoughts from looking back to March last year, where I experienced the worst trauma of my life: the loss of our third baby. In these past two days I have really struggled with feelings of lowness, loneliness and heartache.
Each day I am caught up thinking 'what was I doing on this day last year?' Fortunately I have diary entries to answer those questions and they are filled with the hopes and dreams for the new life that had brightened up my own life ever so briefly. Willow will be blessed at our church this coming Sunday and although this will be an extra special day for us, it's also a sore reminder of the little one who won't have a baby blessing. I suppose with all kinds of baby loss, you are left with a lack of firsts: first birthday, first Christmas, first smile, first steps. With this, comes the dreading of certain months and dates: all reminders of those firsts never fulfilled.
Today Willow had her first round of injections and she has definitely been the most upset out of all of our children. I wept along with her and felt a real sting, a sense of protectiveness that I've never had when enduring the injections with my little ones before. I think I am feeling extra emotional and extra anxious at the moment so I've decided to do some writing to try and help myself feel better. I have always found writing a real kind of therapy and I always breathe a sigh of relief after putting my thoughts and feelings down in print.
I hope to write about when Willow was born and share the wonderful, yet difficult experience that I had. It was very different to my previous births, in both good ways and bad. I think writing about the precious moments of her arrival will really help to lift my spirits and keep me centred on the blessings our family are so abundantly given.
When I think back to this time a year ago (the days leading up to Dahlia's first and only ultrasound), I am reminded of the short and sweet time we had falling in love with her and excitedly preparing for the new addition to our family. We were convinced she was a girl and when Mark suggested the name Dahlia we both grew attached to it very quickly. Celebrating Mother's Day was so wonderfully special knowing that I had new life growing inside of me and that I was going to be a mother to another precious soul.
One of the most painful things about her death was that I had been so happy about being pregnant. With my firstborn I had been rather devastated as she was conceived very quickly after we were married and it had not at all been what I had planned. I was also extremely unwell which made me feel a hell of a lot worse about the prospect of a baby to care for. With my second child I was much more excited and thrilled for my little girl having a sibling but the timing still hadn't been exactly what we wanted. And then with Dahlia, I felt so at peace knowing she was coming. I finally felt that beautiful feeling I had read about mother's having when pregnant. I was so happy I didn't even care about how sick I felt. I was desperate for life with that precious little baby - it really was so cruel to have her taken away like that.
I have held Willow in my arms so tight these past few days. Her soft little head glistens with the tiny drops of water that have fallen from my tired eyes. She is a reminder of the painful heartache whilst being the source of healing all at the same time.