A Letter To My Children
You were once my whole world, my only world. And now you are squished between your siblings. I wish I could be so much more for you. I held you as a baby and vowed to give you everything. To be everything for you. And I am failing. I try so hard to be patient, it's just your age. You need to have tantrums and refuse to go to bed. But all of that is so much more difficult to deal with when I have this ever-growing ball of heartbreak and anger stuffed up inside of me.
You are still too young to see what I'm going through. Too young to see my heartbreak and impatience. Even then, you are such a chilled little boy. The tantrums have not begun yet. I am so happy that you won't remember this time in our lives. You are my happy little boy. My little blondie. When I look at you I see what I could have had, had we not lost your sister. I bet she would have had hair like you. And you'd have kissed her to death. You are so special.
I think about you everyday. You were so precious to me, from the moment I found out you existed. For the first time in my life, I was so happy to be pregnant. So calm, so at peace with what was happening. It felt right, like it was meant to be. You were wanted so badly. And my heart aches, I feel it swelling when I think of how you're gone.