Remember Ohana
Today was like every other day I've had since probably around the Spring/Summer of 2016: pleasant and happy enough. I have lazy days, I have days jam packed with things to do, I have days where I feel really accomplished, other days when I wish I had done something more etc. Every day is different but I feel contented enough with it all. In fact, I actually feel generally quite happy with family life and all that goes on. However, inside my head, is this constant bug. A constant problem that my brain is trying to figure out.
Almost everyday when I'm getting on with the things I need to do, I am also doing a lot of thinking. The kind of thinking that often makes my heart ache and I can genuinely feel the tugs on my heart strings (and not in the good way that is often meant by this phrase). With each new day I am trying to figure out who I am. I grew up thinking I was someone, thinking I belonged to something and thinking I had this belief system and moral code. And then one day last year, it was all sort of shattered into pieces. And it wasn't in one strike. I feel like it started to shatter slowly and then the consequences just suddenly crept up on me one day.
And this is the part where I'm supposed to be bravely honest and start being a bit more specific. So yeah, I am talking about my religious beliefs and the church that I belong to (once belonged to?). I heard a song recently that said 'Every heartbreak makes it harder to keep the faith,' and that really resonated with me. For the 'outsiders' (and that's what I'll call you because that's honestly what you are when you're not fully a part of this - its DEFINITELY how I feel right now) that aren't members of this church, it will probably be really difficult for you to understand why this is so difficult for me. Why does this have such a huge impact on my life? Why is it so upsetting?
That's a really difficult question to answer because you are an outsider. And you'll never really know. Some other Christian churches are about showing up on a Sunday and maybe trying to be like Christ. But in this church, religion is your way of life. Everything you do connects with your beliefs and this plan that God has set out for you. You're taught from a very young age all of the things that are expected of you and that after the age of 8 you have agency - the right to choose for yourself and accept the consequences to every decision you make. Everything I have ever done in my life has been intertwined with the teachings of this Church and for the purpose of Eternal Salvation - to be with my family forever.
There has been so much good in my life because of it - so much happiness and special memories. But its not a perfect place and the people who try to live by these teachings are just people. They make mistakes and things don't always happen the way they should. I have reached a point in my life where I have a lot of doubts. A lot of really deep doubts that sort of eat away at you and take you to this place that isn't very nice. And I'm really lucky to have a husband that truly loves me despite my doubts. I am so grateful that my relationship with the church has nothing to do with our relationship. I only hope that the relationships I have with others will stand the same (which is not always the case).
So for what feels like a very long time, this part of my life has been sort of switched off, folded up and put in a cupboard. This is mainly because I am too scared to face the issues I have. I'm too scared to try and resolve it all because I'm worried it can't be resolved. I'm worried that I'll realise its broken beyond repair and I can't switch it back on again. And then what? What else do I know? What other life do I live? And what about my children? Because here's the biggest battle, the ever-growing alien conundrum that takes chunks out of my heart every day: If I don't go to church (and live the teachings etc) I am terrified that I will be failing my children. But on the other hand, I'm also terrified that I'll be failing them if I do.
Now, here's the light at the end of the tunnel. There are not many things I do know right now. I used to think I knew a lot of things: who I was, what I believed in. Those are pieces of the puzzles that are temporarily lost. But here's what I do know for certain: There is nothing more important, more relevant, more crucial and nothing that can bring you more happiness, than family. Families are what make up the human race and where love is born. I find joy in my life every single day, because I have a family. Each member is so different and special. I learn things from my parents, from my siblings, even from my own children. I laugh, cry, and live with my family. They are my reason for everything.
If you're reading this and you feel that life is confusing, difficult and stressful, know that you can get through anything in this world, if you have a family. This doesn't have to be two parents: a mother and father, heck it doesn't even have to be people who are blood related to you no matter what the biologists say! Even when you choose a different path from that of your families, keep them close by and love them forever. Of course, families aren't perfect and there will always be disagreements but remember Ohana! Ohana, in Hawaiian Culture, means Family - families that are bound together and remember one another. That means no one gets left behind, or forgotten.
And if for some reason, you feel like you don't have a family to call your own, come and join ours. I promise we'll love you forever.
