Christmas Won't Suck Forever
The Christmas Psycho is back with another post about, well, Christmas! I've been married now for almost four years, making this our fourth Christmas together. And I can honestly say that its the first Christmas I`ve wholeheartedly enjoyed since starting my own family! I`ve thought long and hard about writing this post and decided I wanted to go ahead with it. The points that I'm about to make may not be of grave importance to a lot of people, but I hope that the way I have felt strikes a chord with some other person (whatever their circumstances) who has perhaps struggled with big changes in their life.
When we got married we had already decided that we wanted to live in the part of the country where Mark was from. He loved where he grew up and I had always dreamed of a home in the country-side so it really wasn't that difficult for me to decide I wanted to move. Of course I knew that would mean living an hour away from my parents and other family members but I felt strong enough to cope with the distance and knew I would make every effort to see them often. And so we moved into our first flat: a cosy little attic space in the top of an old hotel. We absolutely adored it and still do.
We settled and were very happy! Mark was working and studying and I was studying as well. Two months into our marriage and we found out I was pregnant which brought on a lot of emotional and physical change. I dropped out of university due to my health and spent days upon days in my bed apart from the two weeks in November where I dragged myself upon a 14 hour flight to America for a honeymoon where I spent most of the time puking over all the lovely sights. It was a pretty dark time in my life but by the time December had come I was starting to feel better about a lot of things and the sickness was subsiding!
I was so excited for our first Christmas together as husband and wife and I think that was perhaps part of the problem: my expectations were super high and they were just never in a million years going to be met! We arrived back from our honeymoon in the first week of December and the jet lag was unreal. It took us almost two weeks to get back to normal! We found ourselves at Tesco at 4am one night, buying our first Christmas tree, which of course was too tall for our tiny flat (rookie mistake). The only place we could make it fit was between our kitchen and dining area so it was very random, crooked and barely decorated. We spent most of our time in the living room so we didn't even get to enjoy the damned thing!
I spent so many days of that festive month, stuck at home alone (and no not creating death traps for the most wanted criminals) feeling unwell or feeling sorry for myself. If anything, I needed to be with my family most at that time! Unfortunately, that was not to be. Mark and I had agreed that we would alternate Christmas every year, having dinner with his family one year and dinner with mine the following. This particular year, his youngest brother would be skyping the whole family from a foreign country where he was serving a two year mission for his church. The family hadn't seen or spoken to him face-to-face in four months at this point, so it was a pretty big deal that we would be getting to talk to him via skype.
So on my first Christmas away from home, newly married, having a difficult pregnancy and feeling altogether very lost, I was dragged away to a new family (whom I love dearly) and forced to come face-to-face with what the word 'compromise' really meant! I remember on Christmas Eve I couldn't stop crying and there wasn't really a reason for it...I think everyone thought I had gone mad. It really wasn't the most appropriate of times in my life to have hormones going crazy. That month of December wasn't exactly the Christmases I was used to growing up and with it being the most wonderful time of the year and (to me) the most important, I was bitterly disappointed.
The following year was a smidgen better. Our little girl had been a part of our lives almost six months and we loved her dearly. We knew she wouldn't have a clue what was going on but having a child just made the festive period a lot more exciting! We had moved home by this point and our beautiful tree stood proudly in the corner of the living room. It still didn't look good to me. I attempted a homemade advent calendar where we would do a Christmas activity and read a scripture every day of the month...I think we managed around seven of those! We scrimped and scraped together, worrying the whole month that we wouldn't manage to afford gifts for our HUGE families.
The whole month just hadn't been what I had wanted. And again, I totally admit that I shouldn't have put so much pressure on myself with these massive expectations. Even with Christmas dinner with my own family, I flew into January feeling like the Christmas Tree hole in my heart just hadn't been filled that year.
And Christmas 2015 was interesting to say the least since I had just pushed a child out of my body 4 weeks before! Surely I don't have to go any further about why that December wasn't exactly the most enjoyable or festive of times? Although I might add that having a new-born during the month that we celebrate the birth of the most important baby to have ever entered the world, was an incredible blessing. And yes, with each year I do feel like things did improve.
But it wasn't until this Christmas that I truly felt happy and at peace with the celebrations we have enjoyed. This month has been wonderful and I can't quite work out what has been different for me! Is it the fact that my firstborn is now two years old and has been totally obsessed with Santa and Mary and 'baby Jesus?' Is it because we FINALLY ticked off every single activity in our Advent calendar? Or have I maybe let go of all my expectations and finally relaxed about the whole darn thing and embraced all the festive fun, love and joy without putting myself under any stress?
I think I'm going to put it down to a combination of all of the above, amongst some other things. Mark no longer works in retail which can be incredibly stressful at this time of year. He is a much happier person since changing jobs and he's had some great holidays this month. I am so beyond grateful for all the time we have been able to spend together as a family. I've also been super organised with the Christmas shopping this year, eliminating the sleepless nights worrying about our finances! We've created so many new traditions together this year and spent SOOO many days with members of our extended families.
Christmas is a time where families and friends come together and celebrate life and love. I know how blessed I am to be married to someone who loves me and to have children, but that doesn't make it a piece of cake and it certainly doesn't make any negative feelings I have, void. Everyone is going through tough things in their lives, all so different and unique. This is just a small piece of how I've felt these past few years but there are others out there who feel even more alone and have even bigger issues. And that all seems to feel worse when December comes around. My message is, that Christmas won't suck forever. Life changes and we change with it. Life does get better if you want it to and Christmas is just a small chunk of your life that takes place every year.
If it ain't Merry, there's always a do-over next time.